Losing a person u love is not an easy thing to deal with. Ive never lost anyone before in my life. Sure, i've lost my previous boyfrens, frens sometimes...but..i never lost them to death.
January 15,2006 marked one of the saddest day of my life. It was the day i lost my beloved grandma,one of the person i love most in the world. Innalillah..So in this blog, im going to tell you a bit about her.
We (my family) have lived with my 'ninek' for as long as i cud remember..My father is the last child, so naturally, he's the last to live in the house.When i was little, i used to follow here everywhere. to my aunties' n uncles' houses, to the "pasar" (that's wut we ppl call Kuching town), visiting relatives, going to the masjid, 'pengilan' (kenduri), the jungle..yup..wherever she went(except for toilet), there had always been an "ekor" who followed her. Maybe that's bcoz im the first child in my family, n i was very close to her.
My memories with granma?well..countless..i cud go on n on bout her in more than one day..her name is Lalot Binti Sahak..Quite weird, is it?Most of her grandchildren referred to her as 'Nek Wan' (One) cos she didnt have any other sibling. When i recall back at my primary school days, i always remember my granma, selling nasik lemak at the school, with 2ocents price. And everytime she sell nasik lemak, she would left nasik lemak in the desk of her grandchildren. that's how thoughtful and loving she was. When she cooked something, she never forgot to send some to her other children so that they cud still taste her cookings.
Later, when i was in university (in year 2000), she started to get sick(she was 80 at that time) . It started with innocent coughs, and later fever. Then, her lungs was infected by bacteria, and her memory started to deteriorate. She could remember the 'good old days', but she had trouble remembering the present...little things like whether she had eaten or not..she had taken her bath or not..n most of the time, she spent her time in bed. It was hard at first, but we got accustomed to it. She became more childlike, didnt like taking her bath, always throwing tantrum and demanding for our attention..Sometimes i get soo angry at her, eventho i knew, it was not her fault. I used to regret being angry at her, and getting into a quarrel with her. She was so difficult sometimes, but i know that she loved us very much.
When it became impossible to leave her alone with my 8yrs old lil sis,(both my parents were working, n my siblings were in school), my aunt (she's a housewife)took charge and brought granma to live with her. She lives in the same kampung with us, so it was easy for us to visit my granma.
The second last time i visited her in December 2005, my granma was very weak, but still managed to get up and walk very2 slowly. I told her about me going to semenjung again, to join the PLSP program. She was smiling when she tried to persuade me not to go. If i were home, then she cud go back to our home, and live with us. i cudnt forget her smiles till this day. n evertime i picture her smiling, i just cudnt stop myself from crying. When i was about to leave, she got up, to send me at the door. I went home crying, trying to figure out why she didnt want me to go..i was torn between my career, and my granma. My father advised me to go, since he said, i cud always go back to visit my granma.
The last time i saw her, i made a promise to myself, and to my granma. I promised that i'll be back in January to visit her. She just smiled at me. And when i hugged her,and kissed her cheeks, i suddenly wondered, when im going to see her again.
I got my answer on January15,2006. I will never see my granma again, ever. That nite, my sister keep 'missed calling' me, so i called her back. I cudnt hear her well, because of the bad reception, but i cud hear her sobbing, shouting 'kak, ninek ninggal'. It was a brief phone call, and as soon as i hang up, i was sobbing so hard, that it wrecked my roomie's heart. She knew on instant that somebody in my family had just died by the way i was crying. When i was a little calm, i took a shower and cried my heart out, and later i recited surah yaasin for my granma. It was hard for me at first, i have never lost anyone to death in my life before this. The next day, i took a day off to mourn my lost (n cos i cudnt stop crying nway). I was myself again three days afterward, n was able to smile n laugh again. But every now n then, whenever i think of my granma,her smile, n her wish for me not to go here (sjung), my eyes start to water again. yup, sometimes i do regret my decision to come here, but what's done is done. Im determine to move on, but i guess i still need some time, coz I need to make peace with myself first. But im better now, and i pray that my ninek is among those yang beriman dan yang dirahmati Allah..
I guess what ppl always say is true...u'll never know how much u need or love someone, till their gone..So guys, cherish those u love while they're still alive. Dont wait till they are gone, coz regrets, and guilts are not easy to live with. I learned my lesson, the hard way.
Al-fatihah to my ninek..may she is in a better place, and with those yg beriman..Amiinnn...
